Chapstick
by Pooch
Summary: I kinda made it up as I went along. I saw a thing of Chapstick on my desk, and I also had Final Fantasy VII on my desk, and I was like "Hey..." so here it is.


Disclaimer: We don't own the game or the characters and are making no profit from writing this. And it will never, EVER be different.

"OOOOWWWW!!!!" Tifa screamed. 

"What now?" Cloud complained. 

"My god damned lips hurt!" She ran out of the bathroom and staggered towards Cloud with her hand over her mouth. 

"Stop talking like that, you sound like Barrett. And for God's sake, just put on some Chapstick or something." He pushed her away as she tried to hug him.

"But I don't have any!"

"Then go buy some! Honestly Tifa, you're such a flake sometimes."

She looked at him with her mouth wide open. Her lips began to quiver, and she burst out in tears. Once again she reached towards Cloud in hopes of a hug. 

"Ew, get off!" He pushed her away. "And stop crying. Go get some god damned Chapstick…now you've got me doing it! Dammit, Tifa!" 

"…Can I borrow some money?" 

"Oh don't tell me you spent your allowance." She looked at the ground. "I give you 10,000 gil a week! What could you have possibly spent it on?"

"Well, um…see, its this…uh, you know…"

"Clothes?"

"Well, yeah…"

"My god! You wear one outfit, all the time! What else could you possibly need?"

"Provocative undergarments…"

"Now why would you do that?"

"Because I want to please you."

"Tifa, in case you haven't noticed, you've gained 300 pounds in the last year, and all you ever wear is that stupid purple jogging suit! You wouldn't fit into provocative underwear! Nor would I want to see that…" Cloud shuddered at the thought.

Tifa burst out in tears again. Cloud rolled his eyes. "I have not gained 300 pounds! I have elephantiasis! And for your information, I'm trying to lose the weight!"

"Tifa, do you even know what elephantiasis is?"

"Yeah, duh, it's when you eat meat made from a cancerous elephant."

"Tifa, no. Elephantiasis is around the legs and, get this, the TESTICLES, and it's caused by a worm. If you had elephantiasis, you would be male and not near 300 pounds overweight."

Tifa cried harder and ran into her room.

"So you'll take care of it?" Tifa asked into the phone. She paused and then said, "Ok, thanks. It has to happen tomorrow," and hung up.

She sat back and rested her arms on her stomach. And she smiled. And she screamed and covered her mouth because smiling hurt her chapped lips.

Day broke, because night fell on it, and Cloud sat up in bed. He shrieked when he saw Tifa at the foot of the bed wearing a see-through teddy and an obviously painful smile. 

"Hello, Cloud."

"Dear Lord! That's a sin to all man! Put some clothes on!" He shielded his eyes and tried to hide under the covers, but Tifa pulled them off and jumped on the bed and laid on top of Cloud.

"Hey honey, I'm in the mood for some lovin'."

A muffled scream was heard from under her and he tried to squirm out from under her. 

She sat up and pulled off his pajama bottoms and her XXXL teddy. 

"Get off me you heinous bitch!"

"Not until you make sweet love to me," she declared.

"Tifa! We go through this every morning! I'm not gonna do it no matter how much you want it." 

"Fine, unless you make love to me, I'll stay on top of you, I'll take that phone next to your bed, call Yuffie and have her come over and talk constantly, and I'll have her bring a nice big rack of baby back ribs, and I'll eat them RIGHT here, on top of you."

"OH MY GOD!!!" he screamed. "I'll do it! I'll do it!"

Tifa smiled and then covered her mouth and said "Ow!"

"So…what should I do?"

"Do it like we did it when I was thin."

"But I could find it then! Now it's covered in rolls. And for God's sake, how the hell do you expect me to get excited with you here?"

"Think about what I looked like when I was thin. I know you have that picture of me naked under your mattress."

"Oh yeah…" He felt around under the mattress and pulled out a picture of Tifa when she was thin and pretty and buxom. He immediately sprung to attention. And Tifa sprung on him…

"Aaaaaahhhhhhh…" Tifa sighed.

"Oooowwwww…" Cloud moaned. Having 400 pounds of fat bounce on you was NOT a pleasurable experience. For him at least. Tifa seemed to be satisfied; for now. "If we ever do that again, let ME be on top. I don't think I can walk!"

"Me neither, my knees are weak."

"I don't think we're talking about the same thing, here…"

The doorbell rang and Tifa jumped out of bed and raced to the door.

"Um, Tifa…"

"What?"

"…Clothes?"

"Oh!" She ran to her room and yelled "Just a minute!" on her way. She emerged a minute later and ran to the door. Cloud heard her say, "You have it?" Then a pause. Then "Excellent!"

He heard her shut the door and then felt the ground shake as she stumbled back to him. She appeared at the doorway with her hands behind her back.

"Hi."

"What do you have there?"

"Oh, just something that will enhance-"

"AAAHH!! I DON'T WANNA KNOW! NOO!" Cloud ran from the room screaming and covering his ears.

"-the healing of my chapped lips…" Tifa shrugged and took the Chapstick out from behind her back, twisted off the cap, and put it all over her lips, chin, nose, and cheeks. "Whoops!" She shrugged again and went to her room.


End file.
